The Ideal Man

If you've made your way over here, you've certainly heard plenty of my endless ramblings, and this is going to be no different. Now, everyone has heard all about what women supposedly want in men. Some of it is bullshit. Some of it is only true because lots of women are stupid. Some of it just fucking doesn't apply to me. So, now it's my turn to ramble on about what men should be in order to make me happy. This will confuse you. This will baffle you. You'll probably be completely surprised as to what I do and do not consider to be important. First of all, let me make something clear. You are not reading this because divine forces sent you in my direction and that you and I are meant to be together. Do not email me like that, or else I will get about four words into the letter and will then delete it without bothering to waste my energy on a reply. You cannot possibly meet all, or even most of my standards. I know that everyone wants me, but it just isn't going to happen. ;) Here's what you'd have to be...

• A SCIENTIST.--I'm thinking that I want a physicist or a chemist. I don't really want to deal with a biologist... too much competition. If you work at McDonalds, I will not go out with you. It is not going to happen. I don't care what you got on the SAT. That's so stupid. You're a loser. That's a given.
• A VEGETARIAN.--I'm a vegan, but I'd be happy with anyone who doesn't eat any animal flesh. I can deal with that. I refuse to date anyone who devours animals. That's disgusting.
• ARGUMENTATIVE.--I like to get my way all the time. This is where things get really difficult. Not only do I have to feel like I'm getting my way most of the time, I need to feel that there's been some conflict and I've been right. Now, you can't just humor me. You have to really mean it. And it can't be about the important stuff. All of the basic values, morals, and stuff have to be the same. I'm talking about the vanilla or chocolate stuff. Stuff like fighting over what color to paint the bedroom or what cartoon to watch. And I can't win ALL the time or else it wouldn't be any fun.
• PERSISTENT.--I am very, very, very difficult. I am hell to live with and am impossible when I am upset in any way. The ideal man would need to know when to stay the hell out of the way, such as when I am just waking up or when I have cramps, and would also know when to pester me despite my protests. Unfortunately, this may involve bodily harm and verbal abuse, but the ideal man should be willing to endure any amount of pain I choose to inflict on him in order to make me happy.
• COMPETENT.--Should be able to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. MUST be employed. In a scientific profession of some sort. No animal research. If I decide to go on vacation without him for a week, he must be able to live in the same fashion as he does while I am there, except that he calls daily and writes letters detailing how much he misses me. Must never ask me where his pants are. He should know where his pants are. Should never ask permission to get a haircut. (My father does that.) While it should be clear that I am the boss, it should also be clear that I have better things to do than deal with the small stuff. For this reason, I should never have to do any of the small stuff. The ideal man should be a neat freak. This is because I am a slob. He should enjoy cleaning up after me and doing all of the dishes, and what the hell is a vacuum cleaner? He should deal with all of that for me. He should be in control of himself, but not in control of me.
• SOBER.--If he ever gets drunk, he will be dismissed. If he ever drinks beer, even if he is not drunk, he will be dismissed. Beer is the chosen beverage of the stereotypical male. It is imbibed while watching football games and sweating. This is not attractive. The ideal male does not like football. He can have only a moderate interest in sports. They may not run his life. Anyway, there is nothing more unattractive than being drunk. You could smell like manure and be charred and disfigured, and you would be far more attractive than a drunk.
• CLEAN.--I mean this in reference to both hygeine and drugs. I insist that you bathe. And shave. I hate facial hair. I will not date a pothead, a smoker, an addict, a user, whatever. However, this seems redundant since I already said that the ideal man would have to be competent.
• SPONTANEOUS.--I want someone with whom life never gets typical. When I can have the lazy evenings in front of the tv, but might suddenly be blindfolded and taken to the airport to go on an unexpected vacation, and the ideal man would actually have packed absolutely everything I would need to bring. He should automatically KNOW what underwear I am going to want to wear and whether or not I am on my period and whether I am going to have a fat day or not because it will be his fault if he brought the wrong clothes.

And now, what the ideal man should not be...

• CONCERNED ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT.--Plenty of marriages have broken up over the toilet seat issue. Up or down? Personally, it doesn't matter to me. It takes no effort for a man to lift it up, just as it takes no effort for a woman to put it down. You may wonder, then, why it is so important to so many women that the toilet seat be left down at all times. What most men do not realize, however, is that many women have actually fallen into the toilet when the seat is up. I find it hysterically funny that anyone could be so stupid. Since I have never fallen in, I have no problem with it being up.
• INSECURE.--I don't want to date a stereotype, and I'm not saying that the ideal man should be freakish, but he should be comfortable being a little different. If he wants to wear women's underwear, then he should go ahead and do it and then not worry about what anyone else thinks.
• A BODYBUILDER.--I'm not picky about fat or thin (within reason on both ends) or strong or weak, but those guys on the "Buy this one piece of exercise equipment! It's like having your own gym in your living room, and it all folds down to a little box the size of a quarter when you're finished! Work those abs with no effort at all!" commercials strike me only as lumpy, and lumpiness is hardly and attractive quality...