Action Figure Nita

Action Figure Nita was born on Christmas morning in Brazil. This only happened because her Svedish parents were involved in an illegal drug trade, and her mother never fully realized that she was pregnant. Anyway, Nita is currently 6'3" (190.5 cm for the metric people) and she has long blonde hair and pale blue eyes. Her parents urged her to go to college and get a degree in organic chemistry, but Nita knew that wasn't what she truly wanted. She knew that she wanted to become a loving housewife, attending to her husband's every need.

Nita is also one of the most intelligent people in the world; a crowd of really smart guys always pursuing her. Part of the this is because she has a tendency to lure them in, lying to them constantly, the way I lied to you in the first paragraph of this page. She is the Timid Axe Murderer, keeping a silver ax hidden in her boot at all times. She loves to make men jealous, but is an incredible lesbian lover. Beware her wrath, however---she insists on being in control, and punishes severely. I should know.

She's also quite an accomplished songwriter, having written beautiful songs such as "The Benzene Song." In addition, she bathes at least once a week and loves the shirt D'arcy's wearing in the cover of Adore. (An album by The Smashing Pumpkins, the best band in the world.) In fact, Nita has the same shirt D'arcy does, and she wears it to school frequently. I must say, it accentuates her voluptuous figure and makes all of us really excited. This is part of the reason why I have so much trouble in calculus.

Would you like to date Nita?

• Shave your head.--Nita likes bald men (especially those named "Billy"), but she especially likes bald women, such as Susan Powter.
• Wear lots of pink.--Pink is Nita's favorite color, and it really makes her happy when people wear lots of it.
• Immerse yourself in Svedish culture.--Nita is proud of her Svedish background. You should be proud of Nita's Svedish background, too. You can show her this by wearing a scarf and a sweater and those funny hats at all times. Even if it's summer. Name your firstborn child "Sven."
• Memorize everything about interstates.--This really gets her horny.
• Email her at Nita'sWorld.com.--When you email her, be sure to tell her how much you want to be embarassed and humiliated by her. Tell her, in great detail, just what you want her to do to her. She loves getting these kinds of messages.

November 3, 1998

-Chlorine Girl

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