- Speak clearly. If you mumble, we hear "gragghmitt." On some days, that sounds like "root beer." On other days, that sounds like "crab dinner." It really, really, really does. Please, is it really so hard just to look at the server and speak clearly?
- Don't say unnecessary stuff. And do say the necessary stuff. I'm sick and tired of people saying that they want the "turkey club." The turkey club wrap or the turkey club supermelt? Either way, you're wasting your breath. Just say "turkey melt" or "turkey wrap." All we're going to write down is MLT TRK or WRAP TRK, anyway. I'm especially annoyed when people say the long names for the sundaes. Please don't waste your time ordering a Super Duper Splendiferous Scrumptious Sticky Scratchy Snickers Sundae, or whatever it's called. People say the entire name all the time, and it doesn't help us any. And, they never say what size sundae they want. Just say "original snickers" so that I can write down "o/sn" and get on with my life.
- Read your menu! Stop telling me that you want your burger to come with french fries. It automatically comes with fries and a pickle, I tell someone that every single day, and it drives me nuts. However, you should also know that the burger comes with lettuce, tomato, and mayonaise. But don't waste your time telling the server "hold the lettuce. Oh, and the tomato. And I don't want any mayo, either." Just say "hold the deluxe," so we can write h/dlx, rather than all of that other stuff. I am sorry that you did not know that the sundae came with chocolate sprinkles. Perhaps if you read the menu or at least looked at the picture, you would have realized that.
- DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE! I cannot stress this enough. Do not make a point of ordering your fries "hot and crispy." We realize that sometimes the fries are cold when they come out, and I am sorry, I really am. But your server has no control over this. We don't make the fries; we don't even go into the kitchen. Do you think that that when we key in your order, there are two buttons that say "hot fries" and "cold fries," and that we tell them to give you cold fries? So why do you think we can get them hot especially for you? Also, don't ask stupid questions. It's fine if you want to know how many quesadillas are in a regular size order (8) or whether there are mushrooms in the stir fry (no). We understand that. Do not ask us exactly how many calories are in a glass of lemonade or what brand absolutely everything we sell is. It is not cute. If your server asks if you need anything else, do not say "a new car" or, even worse, "your phone number." If your server is anything like me, he/she will embarass you in front of all of your friends and you will deeply regret it. Anyway, we don't need to take that kind of shit, we work really hard.
- The shakes are not instant. Maybe you're used to going to McDonalds where they have machines and stuff where they can just give you some pre-made crap. If you want a milkshake, we put in the ticket. It may be behind 20 ice cream sundaes that need to be made before your shake. And, when they do make the shake, they will scoop the ice cream for it, add the syrup and milk, and mix it. In other words, this is not McDonalds. Do not throw a fit because I can get glasses of water for everyone else at the table in one minute, but I don't have your shake. It's not like I make the ice cream. Usually. ;)
- Most importantly -- always tip. If you come in by yourself and sit there and drink coffee for an hour, don't think that it's okay not to tip just because your check is $1. Not only are you messing up your server's guest check average -- and they do check on us to make sure the people we wait on actually buy stuff -- you're taking up space at one of your server's tables. And the server is expending energy taking care of you. Is it too hard to leave a dollar for the trouble? As a general rule, you want to tip AT LEAST $1 per person at the table, regardless of the check. And I say this because your server does just as much work if everyone orders a grilled cheese sandwich as he/she would do if everyone had ordered steak, even though the check would be less than half as much. Understand that. The only exception is if you were really easy, didn't order a lot, and weren't there for a long time. For example, if four of you come in and everyone orders just ice cream and no one does anything really complicated or wants 93 refills and you're finished 15 minutes after you come in, it's fine to leave only $3. It would be nice if you would leave $4 anyway, but we wouldn't expect it of you. We would, however, expect you to leave more than $4 if you changed your mind about what kind of ice cream you wanted twice, asked for sprinkles at the last minute, and otherwise made things difficult. Of course, you should try not to be difficult, but if for whatever reason you have to be, at least tip well and let the server know that you appreciate the effort on your behalf. Also, don't assume that you don't have to tip because everyone else is, or, heaven forbid, because we get paid hourly. Servers at most restaurants make $2.38 an hour, we do declare our tips, and we get almost none of even that crappy hourly salary at the end of the two weeks. If it took a long time to get your food out, don't tip less. It wasn't your server's fault. If, however, your server ignored you, that's different. Try to separate what your server did and did not have control over. And, unless your server was horribly rude to you, never ever ever ever not leave a tip at all. It is a thousand times better to tip poorly ($2 on a $35 check kind of poorly, not 17 cents on a $35 check kind of poorly) than not at all. Oh, and if you're tipping $5 or more, please don't leave it all in one dollar bills. I'm being picky here, but if you got your paycheck in one dollar bills, you wouldn't be too thrilled, either.
Being Poor
Okay, so maybe it is the life of a college student, but it still sucks. I really miss being able to work full time, even if the full-time position I remember is the crapass waitressing job detailed above. It almost makes me want to wait tables again just to get paid daily, but whenever this consideration reenters my mind, I have a nightmare about Friendly's, and it's banished. These really are recurring nightmares, occuring about twice a week. Usually they seat me about every 42 seconds. They're all parties of about 72. And they get pissed off because I ignore them and don't key in their orders and fun stuff like that... yeah, well, whatever...
Anyway, if it were actually possible schedulewise, I absolutely would work full time while being a full time student and pretty much kill myself and get no sleep. But I would still do it. However, when your schedule works out such that in order to take the classes you want, there's stuff you need to take in the morning and there's stuff you need to take at night, it's really impossible to get those hours in. So that you can pay the rent and afford, say, socks. This really really sucks.