You're listening to Eye

Test Results

I'm very disappointed in you. You know that test you just took---you failed it!! You're such an idiot... you could have at least tried! *sighs* Well, since I'm such a kind and gracious person, I'm allowing you to view the page anyway...

Test Your Vision

To test your vision, stand, oh, a couple rooms away, and read the following lines. However, since this test is easily flawed, do not read the test silently, but scream it out in the voice of your closest impression of Bill Clinton, to the tune of "I Will Always Love You." Thank you, and if you would like detailed results of this test, send any questions to this address.

MY ELEPHANT IS BROKEN

YES, I DEE DIDDLE DEFINITELY BELIEVE SHE IS!

WHERE IS THAT SCOTCH TAPE?

I'M GOING TO FIX IT!

IF THIS LINE IS BLINKING, I AM GOING PSYCHO! THIS LINE IS BLINKING.
LONG LIVE OUR BELOVED PRESIDENT, REAGAN!!!
In case you were wondering, the vision test is over.

Test Your Personality

This is a test to determine whether or not you have personality. Do not take this test if you are pregnant, if you have heart disease, or if you are related to Bill Clinton. (It doesn't matter if you're related through blood or marriage.) Now, fasten your seat belt, and I hope you have parental permission if you're under 18. Here we go!
  1. What is TLC?

    2. A) tender loving care
    B) a music group
    C) the learning channel
    D) that hamburger at McDonalds

  2. light : dark :: hot : ______

    3. A) soup
    B) cold
    C) warm
    C) dog

  3. The phone rings... You:

    4. A) get up to answer it
    B) tell the attractive man/woman you hired to answer it
    C) tell the attractive ostrich you hired to answer it
    D) the phone's ringing?! That's got to be Buffy calling to talk about her incredible date with Biff! Oh, he is sooooooo hot!!!! I would be out for Biff, since I'm much prettier, except that I'm already dating Chip, and his father owns an oil company. You should have seen Buffy's prom pictures! She looked so chic! I would be jealous, except that I am so much prettier than her. I wonder if Buffy got her hair done... she said she was going to go to Pierre's salon.... ooooohhh Pierre......

  4. Your dog is hungry. What do you feed it?

    5. A) That expensive stuff the veterinarian suggested.
    B) That stuff that was on sale.
    C) That stuff that's been behind the couch for a month.
    D) Your cat.

  5. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. How do you respond?

    6. A) We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn.
    B) Let's roast marshmallows!
    C) Let's see... what do I save... my children or my Pumpkins CDs.... the Pumpkins CDs!
    D) Now... where did I put the number for 911...

  6. You go to take your math test, but then you suddenly realize--you're naked! This is because:

    7. A) You're on the swim team and not only did you forget to wear underwear, you also forgot the rest of your clothes.
    B) You're having one of those embarassing dreams again...
    C) You're not really naked; you're just wearing a flesh-colored bodysuit.
    D) You're a very very very bold exhibitionist.

  7. What's your favorite outfit?

    8. A) A t-shirt and jeans. (I'm boring.)
    B) Dress pants and a shirt, buttoned all the way up. (I'm Smeep.)
    C) A sexy black lace bra and a long, sleek, red cocktail dress. (I meant on you, you idiot...)
    D) I picked "D" in the last question, too!

  8. Who of the following has the most authority?

    9. A) My mommy.
    B) Monica Lewinsky
    C) p
    D) Fred the bacterium

  9. What is your favorite hobby?

    10. A) I like to defecate on rotten fish.
    B) I like to watch and learn from the Telletubbies.
    C) I like to pretend like I care about stupid websites like this one.
    D) I like to study calculus. (What have you been smoking??)

  10. What do your toes most closely resemble?

    11. A) Sickly frogs
    B) Old sausages
    C) Mobius strips (Don't ask me why I wrote that...)
    D) Porn queens

  11. What does your bumper sticker say?

    12. A) Vote for Jesse! (Sorry, I've been in Minnesota too long.)
    B) Those beat up pick up trucks with no tires in my back yard do so still work!
    C) I don't care what you say, my beer gut is sexy!
    D) Former Guest of the Jerry Springer Show

  12. If you were an organic compound, which compound would you be, and why?

    13. A) An ether, because I luvs to get high!
    B) An ester, because all of my snazziest clothing's made of polyester.
    C) An aldehyde, cause it's a big word and I don't know what it means, so it makes me sound smart when I say it.
    D) A ketone because the "key tones." Get it? *nudge, nudge*

  13. How does your voice mail greeting go?

    14. A) Hey, this is Joe! Woah, Becky, careful with those teeth! *beep*
    B) Hi, you have reached 867-5309. Unfortunately, we have gone on vacation and no one will be home between the dates of August 7th and September 9th. We have no dog, and if you care to burglarize us, the rock by the front door is fake and holds the key. If you're looking for cheap kinky sex, leave a message for Barbara. *beep*
    C) You have reached the "Even You Can Score" phone sex line. However, even though our name may suggest otherwise, we have traced your number and you do not meet our standards. Sorry! *click*
    D) Hi, Ann speaking, what can I do for you? *pause* Uh huh. *pause* And who is calling? *pause* I'm not wearing any underwear. *pause* Sorry, could you repeat that, I couldn't hear you. *pause* Oh, guess what! I bought the cutest pair of black shoes today...

  14. You're in Minnesota. You're socializing with Minnesotans. One of them requests a "pop." This person is asking for a...

    15. A) popsicle
    B) lollipop
    C) pop tart
    D) old man

  15. You see a prostitute working Hennepin. You think to yourself:

    16. A) "If Jesse were to legalize this, then that woman could make a lot more money and could support her four poor children better."
    B) "Skank!"
    C) "Heyyyyyy, babyyyyy! You gots a FINE piece of ASS!"
    D) "Hi, Laura! What's up?"




Scoring:

There is no scoring. Except that you get extra points if your choices somehow spelled a word. More questions coming later.

Fake Links

Do you know what I really hate? I hate it when people write just plain words that look just like links. I mean, it's so damn annoying! These people have nothing better to do than to torment innocent people on the internet, and they like to confuse people. What is their problem?!?! This really pisses me off... I have a page about being pissed off... you should visit it and then make sure you sign my guestbook. If you don't sign it, you will be forced to be an insurance salesman for the rest of your life, and nobody will like you. Not even that ugly girl down the street! So just think about that for a while!!!
This is just the beginning of my ridiculous page. If you have any ideas, let me know. Send them to the address I gave you above.
Back to my page.

-March 28, 2000